A Win

There are days when I feel that I have tried to do many things, but none of them have really worked out great. That maybe I should stop stressing myself out and just have fun.

There was one particular moment this month when I was seriously questioning myself.

Why am I persisting with a blog that no one reads anymore?

Why am I slogging on weekends trying to learn writing fiction when it doesn’t come naturally?

Why was I painstakingly breaking my head and my shoulder trying to write stories for a competition when none of them had been good enough to be in the top ten of any month of this writing season?

Shouldn’t I accept the reality and my limitations and set goals that were more real, more achievable?

My phone rang. The number displayed looked like a call-center one, but since I was not doing anything else I answered. The lady confirmed my identity and then told me that I had been shortlisted for Upamanyu Chatterjee’s writing prompt and requested me to be online when they declared the winners on twitter and Facebook!

The timing made it seem like the universe hugging me!

I logged on right after 1.00 pm. Didn’t seem to look too eager even to myself.

The 10^th winner had already been announced. It was not me.

Last season, I had been at 9^th position for one month. No, I was not 9^th either.

I was sweating when I realized I wasn’t even at 8^th.

After they declared the 7^th position, I signed out.

I was not putting myself through this tension. It wasn’t like an exam I had to pass to get a degree and a job. 

Maybe, shortlisting didn’t mean top ten. Maybe that call was a mistake.

I started preparing lunch and then heard a beep. I had forgotten to sign out of twitter.

I was at Number 3!

It felt like something out there reached out and told me that the time and effort I had spent wasn’t all in vain. And that I needed to keep going, keep writing.

Giving up-Not

Isn’t creating targets and deadlines for something you are doing for yourself self-defeating? Why stress yourself out, force yourself to do something which you love doing anyway?

Because otherwise I’d never do the thing I love to do.

I wrote non-stop in December in January, almost writing the same number of posts that I had written ever since I started this blog, ten years ago. Yeah TEN. I started it as a stress buster and because I liked putting words together and watching stories emerge. I became a part of a group who enjoyed reading each other’s words and that kept all of us going.

And then other things took over. It wasn’t that life got busier, it was always crazy, but I am not sure why the habit just broke. I made a few full-intentioned but half-hearted attempts to get back but couldn’t get back. No one was reading my posts anymore, so there were no commitments to uphold.

A promise made me realize, I could write regularly (even if it wasn’t always sensible or coherent). Managing time was stressful, so after the 2^nd month, I decided not to make a commitment anymore. To write only when I had the time and the story. And I didn’t write anything for the next half a month.

Everyone may not need them, but I have realized I do need a clock to run, even if I am not running in a race.

So here’s another valiant attempt at keeping the blog going, even if there is no set direction. A post you start with just keying in the words and hoping time would just appear.

Done

I blogged every-day for two full months! Missed one day in January but managed to make it on every other day. Some days I barely put together some sensible sentences, on some days, I got carried away by my own stories.

A week into the 2^nd month, I was flying on adrenaline. If I could force myself to write regularly, why not exercise and diet. So I added two more resolutions to my day.

And pushed myself to become thin and a writer over the next three weeks.

If you have about my old history with exercise, you already know what happens next. 

Monitoring my weights on the electronic weighing machine did not make a difference-it would move up by 800g after every weekend. I would walk faster and longer in the evenings and skip the samosa and eat the sprouts instead. My bones would be creaking, all the joints would keep screeching and squabling. Google fit would give me the heart points to cheer me on but the weighing machine would show that all I could accomplish was lose those 800g by Friday. And I was so bored of eating the healthy stuff that I had to binge on biryani on the third weekend and I refused to check my weight after that.

I realized that I was just as bad as keeping resolutions as ever.

I could stick to blogging, because in spite of all the moaning and groaning, I was happy writing. I was happy venting out in words. I was happy revisiting places in my mind and sharing them with the world. 

I am happy when I get to play with words and that is why I will continue writing. Not because of another challenge of the month, but just because I have more stories to tell.

It won’t be every day for sure, but just whenever I get the chance.

I just hope some of you keep reading 😊.

Day 30

Just two more days to go for the January blogathon.

How was it for me?

Really tough-there were days I had force myself to log in at the end of the day, fighting sleep, fighting the urge to not look at a computer screen after the full day staring at one, and fighting the urge to let it slip, for just one day.

I had long days at work. Days when I had to optimize family time. And I was driving through what is now officially the world’s no. 1 city for traffic congestion.

And there were times, I went through the mechanics of writing, but wrote without putting my heart into it.

Really satisfying-I learnt yet again, that when we can do no further, we still can.

I relived the satisfaction of typing one word after the other and see a story emerge. Sometimes, a story surprisingly different from one I had intended to write.

I cherished the satisfaction of putting a mental tick on a challenge I set up for myself. And I loved re-experiencing old travels, of flipping through old photos, feeling the chill of the winds from the snowy mountains in Nubra valley or feeling the tug of the kite-string slipping through my fingers as I wrote about Sankrant.

In reliving old memories, I also re-discovered a lot about what was more important for me-reflecting, remembering, sharing and writing yes, venting too.

I know very few people read my blog now. Swaram was the only one who would regularly post a comment to let me know she was there. But I still felt connected to many more as I shared my posts for anyone to read. Thank you to each one who took out the time to read anything that I wrote.

Continuing the Star Wars

Mr. Murphy continued his war.

I wrote a post and realized I could not connect to the internet. Not even to the mobile hotspot. The Windows Troubleshooter told me that the network adapter is experiencing hardware issues. And like all talking machines, it refused to answer my “Why on earth? It was all fine when I logged out last evening? How can you do this? What do I do now…” I guess AI still has some way to go...

I tried switching off and on the laptop-the only thing I know about troubleshooting a device. Then I dug out a ten-year-old network cable and started posting. Thank God for some good old things!

I guess it will back to pen and paper if the universe continues its conspiracy. I may not get to post in time-or maybe I’ll take a picture of my notebook and upload. Thank God for some smart new hacks!

So now that I have won a few battles with time and technology, if not the war, here is what I realized. Sometimes it is more fun when the going gets tough. Battles lead to victories and winning these small ones and getting back to what matters most gives a different level of satisfaction and confidence.

Dare I start with some bigger battles ahead?

Make something of the book-bank idea? Find time to talk to people, go out and see what others are doing? Or would that be taking on too much in the months I have to complete dead boring assignments for my masters and a project on fire at office.

Should I stick to the smaller, achievable targets or risk it all for something that may not even be viable?

(The photo is from my daughter's pinup board-I guess I have my answer)

Going On

What makes people go on?

I look at change-makers, craftsmen, entrepreneurs, successful people from myriad walks of life and see a common characteristic. Of not giving up. Of going on despite the odds, fighting to the end even when failure is imminent and of not letting go even when there is nothing to hang on. Some do it because there is no other option, some do it because it is what they are.

And then there are the ones who give up rather than fight back. The ones who want to fly and make a few attempts too, but then they fail. They consider their options. What if they fail again? They analyze. What is the possibility that their dream would work out? They listen to their fears. Is it worth the risk? They step back and walk the path more traveled by, and they make peace with their choice. Well, they did try, but then there are the thousand and one reasons why we have to wake up and let go of our dreams.

I am more of the second type, although I wish I could be more of the first.

That’s one of the main reasons, why I keep swinging between taking up writing and dreaming about it. That’s one of the reasons why I started with this blog a decade ago and why I find it so difficult to post regularly. I give up when there are more important things to do (which there always are). I give up when I am too tired or stressed or have nothing to write about, which is often the case. I give up when I see nobody reads my posts anymore, which too is quite often. And I let go.

This time it was more of a promise that happened over a Facebook conversation with Swaram that is making me post every day. The irony is that I am struggling with Going On, while she writes about Letting Go.

Country Roads

It’s just my blog, not an assignment. I don’t have a topic, or rules, or word limits. How difficult can writing ‘something’ be?

It’s not difficult. And I mean that about the writing.

What is difficult is making the effort, keeping that promise to yourself, committing time. I do it for my job, for my family, even for friends and neighbours. Yet I find it so difficult to find time to do a thing for myself. I feel guilty. The kid is home for only a few weeks, I spend the whole day at work anyway and then I again sit down to write? There is so much more productive and important work to do, and yet I sit down and write? I doubt myself-why am I even writing. This stuff is not going to change anybody’s life, it is not going to change anything in my life, why am I even doing this?

Maybe I am doing it because of the challenge. To see whether I can keep the commitment, whether I can write. It is definitely because Swathi pulled me into the challenge, and I can see others like me making the effort too.

But most of all I think, it is for the satisfaction. It’s like coming back to your hometown after many years though you are a very different person now. Most of the landmarks have changed and the people the family next door has moved away, but that gnarly rain-tree under which you waited for the school bus is still there. 

You turn into a lane and remember happy times and your old self. You connect back to something you have left behind, and yet never left, just forgot. You have to get back to your new life in the new city. You promise to visit more regularly, but that is up to the plans life make for you. You are just glad you could come this time.

This space is that hometown for me. It is difficult to break the daily routine, to take time out for myself and even get into a mind-frame where I can hold an idea for 15-20 minutes and write about it. I may give up one day when the struggle gets too much. For now, I am just glad I could come.

Just a few words..

Why have I stopped writing?

'No Time to write' is obviously is the first excuse. But then like the school kid having to think beyond 'viral fever', I had to think of a new excuse when the same friends kept asking again. 

A writer’s block? Well that was a new one for me and it became the new favorite. It also sounded kind of "cool" to flinch one of the kids' terms.

And just like it happens in the good old fairy tales, it became true.

I got so used to not writing that I didn’t miss it any more.

Because I had nothing to write, and so many of other things to do, I stopped logging in. Then I didn’t get updates from other blogs too. More time on my hand. Took up knitting. Atleast that doesn’t upset people like words do.

Packed away writing like a piece of nostalgia that doesn’t belong to the present anymore. And just like nostalgic memories, the longing to write and share didn’t go away. It keeps popping up, just like now.

Has the block worn away a bit? Will it go away faster if I promise not to fib again? Any tested remedies?

Or do I just "un-cross" my fingers and dare to log-in..

Vote for me

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That is, if you liked the post...

For me I already won the day, when I started this great adventure, started sharing my stories, found so many wonderful people along the way and discovered a world where we could just write it out....

Thank you for voting for me

But more than that, thank you for travelling with me, for egging me on and being with me as my blog celebrates it's first birthday.