Day 30

Just two more days to go for the January blogathon.

How was it for me?

Really tough-there were days I had force myself to log in at the end of the day, fighting sleep, fighting the urge to not look at a computer screen after the full day staring at one, and fighting the urge to let it slip, for just one day.

I had long days at work. Days when I had to optimize family time. And I was driving through what is now officially the world’s no. 1 city for traffic congestion.

And there were times, I went through the mechanics of writing, but wrote without putting my heart into it.

Really satisfying-I learnt yet again, that when we can do no further, we still can.

I relived the satisfaction of typing one word after the other and see a story emerge. Sometimes, a story surprisingly different from one I had intended to write.

I cherished the satisfaction of putting a mental tick on a challenge I set up for myself. And I loved re-experiencing old travels, of flipping through old photos, feeling the chill of the winds from the snowy mountains in Nubra valley or feeling the tug of the kite-string slipping through my fingers as I wrote about Sankrant.

In reliving old memories, I also re-discovered a lot about what was more important for me-reflecting, remembering, sharing and writing yes, venting too.

I know very few people read my blog now. Swaram was the only one who would regularly post a comment to let me know she was there. But I still felt connected to many more as I shared my posts for anyone to read. Thank you to each one who took out the time to read anything that I wrote.

Getting off the treadmill

I am sleepy. I am tired. I don’t think I can write today.

I realized that I had been saying the same words to myself as I log in late at night to somehow complete that day’s post before the clock strikes 12.

I realized that once I start writing I often go beyond my self-imposed minimum word requirement.

So maybe one part of the daily challenge is figuring out what to write about.

My world has become very small now (not in kms though). Office-Traffic-Home. I haven’t had a real long conversation with someone outside the family for weeks. I haven’t done anything new. I haven’t travelled or even read something interesting.

I don’t have the time.

And this is where the impact shows.

To write, I either need to dwell upon the future which holds more doubts hope at the moment or sift through memories.

Wouldn’t it be more sensible to make a blog calendar-plan in advance what to write about, so that I waste less time and write more useful stuff.

a)    When would I make the list?

b)    Wouldn’t that become like another assignment then?

One of the points of this exercise was to rediscover the joy of writing for the sake of writing. Just letting the words flow and watch them form a post by themselves. To do something effortless for a change and just enjoying that process instead of stressing over-what is the purpose/is it good enough/how can I make it better?

I have got so programmed to do things more efficiently, to keep increasing the settings on the treadmill, that sometimes it takes so much effort to do a thing effortlessly-just do it for fun, or maybe just do it.

Stop checking the treadmill numbers. Get off it completely. And walk barefoot.

Half-way down the month!

The month is half-over; half left to go.

It’s been good going, but it is time to plan the goodbye.

The first month it was about pushing myself to get into the discipline of logging and posting everyday-no matter what.

There were times I posted half in sleep, drafted a couple of posts on flights on travels and posted them on landing, drafted a few in advance to make up for the days I knew it will not be possible to log in, and some I posted even though they didn’t make complete sense, for the sake of putting that check on my list.
Some of my posts may seem not-so-sensible anyway, but they should at least make sense to me, or I will not post-that was the second month’s resolution as I was excited about my success at managing to complete the first month’s challenge.

Half-way through the second month, now I have proved to myself I can do it.
The next question is it worth the stress and the effort?

So far, YES. Because it helped me get back in the flow, reminded me of the joy of writing and gave me a big boost of satisfaction.

But in taking on this and a parallel fitness challenge, I have realized that I have left a few important ones slip. Things that are more important from a life-plan perspective.

So yes, I am glad I kept on at the challenge.
And no, I am not quitting half-way through.

But yes, it’s time to plan ahead. To take other priorities up with the same zeal or just stubborn resolve.

I’ll continue to blog. But maybe make it a weekly instead of a daily challenge. That may give me time to think and compose my posts or maybe at times, still post in zombie mode once in a while. Let’s see.

There is half a month of the daily challenge yet to go. Let's see how that tuens out first.

Lessons from blogging everyday III

I have given myself a lot of pats on the back for almost completing the exercise. (3 more days to go after this).

So what next?

Enjoy the evening with one stress less in life. Read a book, watch a movie, talk to a friend instead. Yes, I want to do that and more.

But I also want to do this ‘stress’ thing again. I still need to live the challenge for another month. Why on earth?

Because, as I wrote earlier, this year was also about facing mortality. Of recognizing the finiteness of time and the futility of regrets. I do have a list of things I did not do this year, even knowing that this time would never come back. But I also have the satisfaction, of doing a little more than before.

The challenge was one part, what I also rediscovered was the joy of writing. Writing for its own sake, not for a job or for a reader, but just for the fun of playing with words.

This stress helped me get through all the other stresses in life. It made me reflect within and focus ahead.

What I would really love to do in the time ahead, is to write more meaningfully. Maybe write shorter or less frequent posts, but hopefully write to contribute, to make a change, to make people think. And to change myself.

Most of my posts have been about myself, my work search for work life balance, my encounters with the education systems my thoughts and fears. It is then that I realized that how small my world has become. Going ahead, I hope I use time to reconnect with the amazing people doing amazing work around me. To read more interesting posts. To discover more interesting stories. More words, more worlds.

Lessons from blogging everyday-II

In the previous blogging avatar, writing came naturally. I wrote when I had the time (I have no clue how I found the time). It was more about sharing snippets of my life, trying to keep myself sane. And I had a group-bloggers like me who wrote regularly, read my posts, shared their reactions through comments. I think that kept me on. Sometimes a single comment would make me write another post.

This time it was one big exercise. I know for sure Swaram was reading my posts, that and my stubborn resolve kept me going.

Maybe some of the posts didn’t make much sense to anyone else, but each of them was a big learning for me. Each of them was a reassurance that I could take out this time and complete what I promised. A few months ago, while talking of my writing and exercise, a close friend had told me to face the fact that I was not a ‘upholder’. I was better off working a salaried job than trying to write on my own; joining a class than promising to exercise. I agreed with her.

This month of blogging gave me hope that maybe I could be a ‘upholder’. A month is not very long-maybe it would take three months to really prove myself-but it felt very long. Taking out time every day, that too when my kid is at home (After her semester starts, I’ll probably not meet her for five months).

There have been days when I was very late reaching home. There were days of travel. Of visitors and of precious family time. I have written a couple of posts using my phone while on a flight and some which I have written without knowing in advance what I was writing about.

I am so thankful and glad; I could do it.

Lessons from blogging everyday

The most challenging part of this challenge for me was when I finally logged in to the personal laptop, opened Word and tried to write.  I wouldn’t know what to write. Having finally packed and stepped on to the station-you don’t know where you want to go, which train to take!

I tried making a blog calendar-or at least a list of possible topics, but that began to feel too much like work.

And then I complicated it for myself (yeah, I am weird) by self-imposing a minimum word limit of 300. No 55-ers or 100 worders except for the days I was in transit. So, I don’t have time to write, I don’t know what to write and yet I have to do it every day (for 300words).  

I started writing ‘from the top of my head’. Just whatever my hands felt like typing. It was therapeutic. Just the act of letting the words flow, drawing pictures and smudging them out because many times they would not make sense.

I realized the words would start writing themselves after I struggled for good ten-fifteen minutes. Then I would end up writing something which I didn’t even plan to.

Wow! If only I had the time to keep typing till it became a coherent book.

Sometimes I would get multiple ideas, like a string of firecrackers lighting up on Diwai. But by the time I came back from another day at work, my mind would be like an ancient tubelight once again.

Would it be better to stay up one night and keep writing?
But that would defeat the basic theory of building up the discipline to log in every day-no matter what.

I didn’t write very scintillation stuff or anything that could save the planet. Mostly I ended up writing about traffic, juggling tasks and everything I was stressed up. I was just writing about my thoughts and even that was difficult.

It makes me respect regular writers so much more. People who have nothing to prove, but yet write for the joy of it. People who sit and type for an hour two, with military discipline, and people who look at the blank screen and know what to write. Big salute to all of you!

Another Gym, Another Woman

I could not go to the Gym yesterday as I had some urgent work to finish. And well today is Saturday, and tomorrow is Sunday…


And then I remembered the story of an unknown woman so like me, which had come in an email forwarded many times over:


Dear Diary,


For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


________________________________


MONDAY:


Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!


Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!


Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.


This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!


________________________________


TUESDAY:


I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.


_______________________________


WEDNESDAY:


The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.


Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.


My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.


_______________________________


THURSDAY:


A****** was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.


He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny b**** to find me.


Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.


_________________________________


FRIDAY:


I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.


Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.


The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


________________________________


SATURDAY:


Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.


________________________________


SUNDAY:


I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!