Finding time to write/Writing to find time

Once she grows up and goes to school, I will get back to…

Most mothers would have their own choice of words to complete the sentence. What of the mothers whose kids have ‘gone to school’? They probably mean that once they are done with ensuring homework is done, and the uniforms are ready, and the lunch is packed and the kid is back from the three other classes, and the birthday party, they will complete their sentence.

My kid has gone to college and I still hadn’t started acting on my ‘dream list’. Just attempting to write a short post every day started leading to continuous headaches from lack of sleep. And the frustration of not being able to anything well enough. So, I got into soul searching/serious project planning mode.

Step 1: Excel sheet of all the tasks I ‘need to do’ and ‘want to do’ in a day.

Step 2: Assign estimated time for each task except sleep (added numbers for the worst-case scenario too-so driving time varied from 40 mins to 2 hours)

Step 3: Subtract Sum of all task timings from 24:00:00

Sleep time came to 3.5 hours

Step 4: Freeze timings for all non-negotiable tasks and steal minutes from everything else. Sleep 5.5 hours.

Step 5: Shift some tasks for weekend only (can’t afford to read every day), knock-out some tasks, try multi-tasking (driving and eating breakfast) and hope and pray but the Excel sheet still shows 6.5 hours of sleep.

As all good project managers do, I didn’t even factor in things beyond my control (illness, maid’s illness, unforeseen tasks, etc).

And finally, as all good project managers also do, I decided to ignore the Math and believe that something will work out. I will exercise and read and write and still do justice to the office and household, one day. 

For now, let me be glad that I managed to complete this post today.

A Stay-at-Home-Mom

Now that I am a stay-at-home mum, my excuse of “No time” shouldn’t hold any more.

Yeah, but life just got busier (as if that was possible).

But more than me, it is my loving daughters who are puzzled (as opposed to thrilled :( ).

And I really wonder why, when they have a loving mom at home, ready to give them all the time in the world.

Who is ready with healthy stuff whenever they are hungry (Yuck!).

The kind of mother they always envied-you know the ones who keep their homes sparkling. (Nooooo, you can’t fine me for the messy cupboard, you asked me only to clean the room)

A mom eager to play Badminton with them (Hey, we can’t count playing with you as free time).

 A mother ready to guide them with their studies (No, You can’t open my school bag without permission. It’s Private).

A mother ready to talk whenever they want to..(That’s Ok, but I still need to talk to my friend whom I play with everyday, and who lives just a floor below, for 20 mins on the phone).

Someone who is ALWAYS there for them…(OH GOD!  So what happens to internet time…)

Is it already too late, I wondered. 
Did I make a mistake..

And then Aurora piped in:

That’s just not fair. (the favorite phrase of the moment). You send us to school and then you can read books, watch TV, go back to sleep..

I wan’t to be a stay at home kid too!

I should be heartbroken at their response. The wicked Loverna in me is actually relishing every moment of it.

The mother in me is glad to be there for them…..no matter how they feel about it.

When the going gets tough..

Some get tougher,

Some give up,

Some hate it

And some are grateful…


Like me
Because it made me rethink my priorities


And pushed me into taking a decision which I would have kept pushing away for tomorrow

Yeah. It’s not easy admitting that I am not supermom.
That I need to drop a ball or two, to be able to keep dribbling, bouncing, juggling the others
I am taking a break from work.

And instead of feeling euphoric, I am scared.
Will I be able to do something useful?
What if it doesn’t work out?

Will I be able to get back to what I was doing?
What if…

Well things might not work out
But, as the cliche says, I’ll be glad to have tried my best

And maybe, they do work out;
And I’ll be grateful for these days..

...The blog was one of the first balls to get dropped, will it bounce back?

In Absentia

It's been so long..


That I found the time and space and the mood and the keyboard all together...


I've missed blogging. But there was almost something else to do. 


And then the time was wrong. I even wrote a post, only to delete it in fifteen minutes because it was just a reflection of rocky times. Not something I would like to keep as a permanent reminder of these times.


So I just decided to wait till things are better and start all over again.


And when will that be?
Let's just wait and see!

An old conversation

Bits of a conversation long ago, which lingers on, and feels so real now:

I was taking a couple of years off employment, waiting for my babies (four and one year olds) to grow a little more, before I could resume my career…

I could not understand why a woman who had worked all along, juggling home, bringing up two kids, building  a great career, would need to quit because she could not manage anymore..

Her sons were fifteen and twelve, independent, self-sufficient, and yet…

“My children need me emotionally NOW” she explained.

“They have out-grown nannies and day-cares. I cannot control their phone-calls, internet time, TV habits through my phone calls any more. I need time to be there now or their whole education and career is at stake.”

Oh, but aren’t kids supposed to be responsible enough to look out for themselves by that age? I had wondered all those years ago. 

I grew up fine with an office-going mother. So many children do.

And being with them all the time is no guarantee that they will not stray.

But now that my children are reaching there, I can empathize with her so well.

Compromises

I hate compromises.

I hate not doing a great job at work. I hate missing out on important discussions and not making my contribution. I hate not growing fast enough in my career. I hate not being able to accept a better deal because it will make me lose my time at home. I hate saying no to plum assignments because I have to leave office at a fixed time. I hate not being able to do much more.

I also hate delegating anything to with my children. I hate not being at home when they come back after a long day at school. I hate saying “I’m busy” to them when they want to come and talk nonsense. I hate it when they can’t attend music class because I don’t have the time to drop them.

So I compromise.

• I work from home to the extent I can, and say goodbye to working up the corporate ladder.
• I ensure they can attend their Badminton and Swimming but let them miss the odd party
• I don’t hang around in the park with them, but make time to teach them to cycle
• I work late to finish assignments, but leave early when they have exams
• I stay awake and finish my work to ensure that my daughter makes it to her choir practice everyday
• I don’t go to the movies with them, but I make wings and halos for the Christmas play
  
  On the final day of the term, when I see both my girls on stage, their eyes shining with pride and confidence, one receiving a prize, the other a part of the school choir, I look back and think, maybe ..............the compromises are worth it. Aren't they?