Monday, January 28, 2013
It’s been a long time.
It’s been like losing touch with an old friend. You think of her, but then you realize you don’t know her new numbers. You think of asking for it, someday. Life keeps happening, tasks keep getting added onto the to-do list faster than you can tick them off and someday gets postponed, again.
You still think of her, you know it is not too difficult to call, but don’t know what to talk.
Maybe, it’s better leaving some moments only for the memory.
Maybe, it’ll be more disappointing to talk and find we have nothing much to say to each other anymore.
But maybe, I’ll regret having not made the call even more.
Had it been a mythical friend I was talking about-I could have even added ‘waiting for her to make the first move’ to my list of excuses. I was thinking of my old mommy blog-which feels like a friend I have ignored for a long time, but have never been able to forget completely.
It feels strange to log in again. I am actually nervous. What if I make a start again and fumble after a few days.
Well I started maintaining this journal, just to record some precious memories. I’ll regret more if I don’t write whatever I can.
So here I go again-Mamma Mia!
I hope some my old friends are still here-I miss you.
Friday, June 8, 2012
I don’t want to be strong anymore.
I want to break down and howl.
I want to be irrational, emotional.
I want to go back on all the wise, thoughtful, logical decisions.
I just want to keep my child close to me.
So many years ago, the doctor cut off a cord, so that she could become her own self.
It hurts just like that today;
Cutting off yet another cord, and I can’t even cry out with pain
because I have to be a mother first.
Can I do it?
because she needs me to smile.
Friday, May 25, 2012
As you get ready to fly on your own, I want you to know the real answer which I never gave to all those questions on: Why are you sending your daughter to a boarding school?
It’s not because:
I am too busy with my jobs and want to hive-off the responsibility
(you know how I love to irritate you all the time!!)
Or because it is the latest fad
(Along with Smart-Phones and FB, I hate all the latest fads related to soon-to-be-teen girls)
Or because you are not ‘doing well in school’
(I do admit, here in writing, that I am proud or all your prizes, and your performance in the Choir, and Kathak, and badminton, and your painting too..)
Or because you are giving me any “trouble”
(I will miss arguing with a worthwhile partner)
Or because we do not have decent schools in our city
(Yes, your school is a Great one)
I am just letting go, so that you have more horizons to explore, more opportunities to grow, to learn, to flower and to bloom.
I am letting you go even though I'll miss you every moment, because you will find a whole new world.
I am letting go because I love you too much to keep you close, but confined.
Your wings are now ready for the sky.
Fly my baby.
Don’t look down for me,
Because, I’ll be right there with you..
Monday, May 21, 2012
I repeat, almost verbatim, a call I got from a neighbor:
Are you aware that child was molested in the E-block lift of our Apartment?
I was too shocked to frame my 'whats' and 'hows' in the correct order…
Well, the family of that child doesn't want to talk about the incident, I am informing you so that you can warn your daughters to be careful, my caller continued.
Of course, I’ll ask my children to be careful and talk to as many parents and children I know, but shouldn’t we organize a meeting to ensure that everybody knows about the threat?
Oh, but I can’t do that.
My motives will be questioned, my caller reflected.
And some people may even start sensationalizing the incident.
Yes, I agreed, “people” are exactly like that.
The caller just wanted all the children in the complex to be informed so that they were more careful. She had seen an episode of “Satyamev Jayate” and felt she she could not do "nothing”. She could only talk to a handful of people-but the word spread, some steps were taken, and I hope we are all a little safer than before.
We do need a Aamir Khan for coming on a million TV screens and talking about keeping our children safe, for talking about all the issues we already know of, but think that they only happen to other people..
Friday, March 30, 2012
Saw a mother bird teach her brood to fly
Not much teaching actually.
She flew and they saw
She chirped and they fluttered their downy wings
Hopped and fluttered them a little more
Perched on the ledge and skipped a few steps
In a few days they were all soaring towards the sky
And then they left home.
Did the mother bird know that they would go away so soon?
Is she happy that they can now fly on their own paths?
Scared, that they may not find the way home?
Lonely, because they may not want to come back?
Guilty, because she could have cared for them a little longer?
Angry, because they no longer need her?
Content, that she has done her work well?
Proud, that they have flown so high that even she cannot reach them?
Confident, that they will reach the stars?
Thankful, for the moments she got to spend with them?
Mother birds is happily chirping away,
My eyes are still on the chicks trying to ride the wind;
My chicks complete another year of school,
the fluttering gets louder...
Thursday, February 2, 2012
My princesses were going to have their first Kathak performance.
And I just had to dance around them.
In these enlightened times of extra-curricular activities it was just one addition to the “everything from Samba and Ballet to Bollywood” performances. And with a 12-year experience in motherhood, I was well-prepared for just-another show.
When it comes to getting it right for the kids, we moms are always ready to go those extra miles and alleys we’ve never stepped into. Exploring Nahargarh ki Gali in Jaipur to get the “just-right” jewellery for the show didn’t seem too daunting.
For my kids-I could always do it.
After a crash course in costumes (what makes the Lehanga-flare cylindrical instead of conical), to hair-styling (how to make a bun with 4-inch long hair and how to make short-wavy hair look neatly classical), stitching bits of sponge behind “poky” edges of necklaces, and making make-up stay on a bunch of boisterous kids-my confidence did start quavering.
The humbling blow was the lesson on how not to use safety-pins, when I had to get a tetanus shot and a course of antibiotics, as my thumb turned septic after pinning half-a-dozen duppattas.
Would I ever do it again?
Saturday, January 28, 2012
This looks like just another New Year resolution.
This year (maybe I need to specify 2012) I resolve(d) to write regularly. Also to be specified that since I never stopped posting in my head that I also intent(ed) and to add those posts on my blog.
January is almost over.
But in a desperate attempt at not giving up, I did reach this point of actually writing something non-work on the laptop. I so want to continue and write-because I really miss it all: the joy of sharing my crazy world with all; the support I got from friends old and new, the thrill of finding new ideas, making new friends; and the awesome feeling of learning from so many different experiences of wonderful people around.
The interaction is what I miss a lot. But what I also miss is the solace I find in putting down my thoughts in words. Because when I do, all the craziness begins to make some kind of sense, the frustrations begin to sound almost funny, the darkness actually seem to highlight the slivers of silver, and the mundane actually starts becoming a memory to cherish.
Let me try once more!