Mom Alone

Growing up is such a pain.

Especially when you have to do it when you think you are old enough not to do it anymore.

Leaving children at home and travelling for work is what Moms and Dads need to do all the time. And I had managed not to do all this time-it was a record.

Was-past tense

This one time-I am doing it. Not that I had run out of valid reasons, but this once I felt I could leave, knowing that they would be able to manage.

I am the one not able to ‘manage’.  Offering bubble-gum to a stranger as the flight takes off, not able to launch into my spiel about the history and geography of the place I am travelling to,  talking to my family only through the screen-not able to touch, feel, poke or tickle …………..it is a whole lot of growing up.

Being the one staying back with the kids, managing the home-work-kids-and everything else issues, this once I feel that the one going away has it worse.

Do I have so much more to learn? 

How to be a cool parent

Papa, I am dropping the Mech Paper. I know I will flunk if I appear in it.

First year at college, and I had just learnt that it was now possible to “drop” papers you think are too tough!

The cool Dad reply

Beta, why don’t you read up a bit, whatever you can, and give it a shot? You might just clear it and not have to read the WHOLE thing again. Just try a little…

There was some logic in it..

Oh Ok. I’ll try what I can do. But I just want you to know I might not clear..

That’s ok, you can always study all over again, but I do think it’ll be much easier if you can manage to read up a little now…

It’s final exam time at home now.

And the toughest part of my job is convincing these two to study.

As I gear up for another argument, telling myself I am not going to lose my cool/blow a fuse this time, Dad’s words echo in my mind.

Was there a small pause in his voice as he heard my declaration?

..A sharp intake of breath and a hesitation as he thought over what to say?

Are there some memories that become sharper with time?

Conversations, which you understand better after a lot of water has flown under the bridge?

Or is it just wisdom, life forces you to acquire, that shows up things in a different hue altogether?

Please life, give me the wisdom, to say the right thing to say to my children, right before their exams.

Please friends, do share some advice,

Or just pray for me…

First love

No it's not about my daughters' but my own...

The heady, exhilaration..

The soft, mushy feeling..

A solace, a homecoming

An adventure, a discovery

Someone who was always there for me,

Setting my imagination free,

Letting my dreams soar

Bringing a smile on my face no matter how lousy the day was,

My best friend, my strength, my happiness,

My best memories

If that isn’t love, then what is?

My Amar Chitra Kathas,

The man who gave me some of the best moments of my life, who shaped my childhood, passed away early this month.

I had to log on to pay homage to this wonderful man,

And to thank him for leaving behind a wonderful legacy for my children too..

.

(This is my younger daughter’s typical afternoon read-unwinding after school, even during exam time. And I can’t blame her.)

So even though I am on an unplanned blog break,
even though I am running a backlog on my work, on kids' exam preparation, I had to write this one post.


Thank you, Uncle Pai! For making my childhood so much better.

The Birthdays again

Another round of birthdays-days of hectic activity, running around, last minute crisis…and complete MADNESS at home..It’s this which keeps me away from my blog too, this time of the year!

On one hand we are grateful that we only have to do it once in a year, on the other hand we feel completely drained out this time of the year-physically, mentally and financially!

And yet we do it with more zeal every year!

Planning both parties, buying everything we can get our hands on, cooking up surprises, making plans to delight them at every step...

However this time, I was questioning myself more.

Yes, it is ok to splurge once in a while, but shouldn’t we be thinking of the other little girls out there, who are still struggling to live?

Are we teaching them the right things? 

After years of receiving, shouldn’t I be teaching them to give more? 

Maybe, from next year, we’ll spend half the effort in taking them around to the blind school or SOS village and let them experience the joy of sharing their gifts.

My ideas seemed to idealistic when I thought of these two, who insist on keeping a piece of return gift also, on top of all the gifts they get, actually agreeing to give up on anything.

And then, Elena came to me herself saying, Mom can we please give something new to Parvati didi this time? We thought about what our maid would need most and then she happily packed up satchels of school stationery for the maid’s children.

It was a small thing, but I was really happy she thought of it. My little girl is growing up all right! Yes, we’ll do more, all along the year, and not just on the birthdays, but we had made a beginning.

Just a few words..

Why have I stopped writing?

'No Time to write' is obviously is the first excuse. But then like the school kid having to think beyond 'viral fever', I had to think of a new excuse when the same friends kept asking again. 

A writer’s block? Well that was a new one for me and it became the new favorite. It also sounded kind of "cool" to flinch one of the kids' terms.

And just like it happens in the good old fairy tales, it became true.

I got so used to not writing that I didn’t miss it any more.

Because I had nothing to write, and so many of other things to do, I stopped logging in. Then I didn’t get updates from other blogs too. More time on my hand. Took up knitting. Atleast that doesn’t upset people like words do.

Packed away writing like a piece of nostalgia that doesn’t belong to the present anymore. And just like nostalgic memories, the longing to write and share didn’t go away. It keeps popping up, just like now.

Has the block worn away a bit? Will it go away faster if I promise not to fib again? Any tested remedies?

Or do I just "un-cross" my fingers and dare to log-in..

Back

A special thank you to the few special people who are still reading my blog.

I had given up.

On one front, I had a tag around my neck, announcing I was a part of the rat race again-bringing with it the usual office drama, driving through Bangalore traffic, and coming back to kids' homework and class tests.
And on the other, it was the bindis and bangles, reminding me that it was "adjustment" time again.

But then there's nothing wrong with a bindi or bangles, isn't it? Just a tiny adjustment to keep the family happy?

Oh, but they are still unhappy over so many other things.
So I make few more little adjustments.
Don't wear what I want to.
Eat what I don't want to. Don't eat when I need to...
But then what's a little bit of acidity or some headaches when it comes to the family's happiness?

The family was however unhappy, because I slept when I wanted to.

How do I find the will or the space to think, feel, talk or write?
By counting the blessings that I have it so much better than so many other women?
After all, as so many other women rationalize, it is the family's happiness that matters. Doesn't it?

Yeah, but I fail to ensure that, once again!
And just got back to being myself.

Sisterly love

Yes it’s incomparable.

If you have grown up with one, or a mom to a pair who are bickering incessantly, constantly, you know what I mean. Like most Moms, I too have developed selective hearing and manage to tune out most of the

She did it first…

She always…

..and react only when it reaches the level of..

It’s bleeding, look she scratched me!

That’s enough.

If you don’t stop behaving like cats and dogs I’m changing your names to Tommy and..well Kitty..

Oh! Can I be Kitty? She always growls like a dog anyway.

How dare you? You are the one who runs howling to Mom. You Tommy Shooo

Shall I scratch you again and show you? You…

Too late to take back my words, I tune them out again.

Motherhood does teach you some amazing skills!

This time of the year…

..when the drumbeats announce the arrival of Goddess Durga and the Bong in me gets homesick-again.

Yeah I miss the fun and those friends.

And since some moments do not come back we go forward and create new memories. This is a glimpse of the Dusshera  procession from the southern-most tip of India-Kanyakumari.

So different, and yet the enthusiasm is the same. Isn’t it?

Wishing you a great time this festival season!

Best Friends Forever

Mamma, can you guess who is my BFF?

Ishita? Well she was the one you loved to play with most as she has the most awesome collection of Barbie accessories.

NO. She is not my friend anymore. Last time she bought chips from the canteen she did not share all of them. Cheater.

Saumyaa is my best friend now.

She shares everything. I also like playing with her little brother and we always have so much fun together.

Some days later she was in tears because she would have to miss Saumyaa’s birthday party. It was on the day we were travelling to Goa. No amount of cajoling would convince her ….

I know I’ll like Goa but it’s not the same thing Mamma. I’ll be missing all the fun and games in the party.

Yes I know we’ll be partying in Goa also, but MY FRIENDS will not be there.

You can take me to her house another day to play with her, but IT’S NOT THE SAME THING! I won’t be wearing my pink party frock or the heels, will I?

She won’t be giving me a return gift either.

A muffled sob and tear filled eyes-and I could see all the heartbreak.

The next day she practically jumped on me in sheer joy!!

Mom, I have such GREAT news. You won’t believe it! Saumyaa is having her party a day before we are leaving!!!!!

Now I’ll have to reschedule all my plans for the evening, the last minute shopping and packing, returning library books, and instead will be picking up a gift and driving this lady to and from the party.

..but then it’s her best friend’s birthday

Letting them be

....what they want to be.

That’s what we should be doing. Teaching them to fly and then letting them free to go explore, build their own nests, and fight their own battles.

But as my chicks are trying out their new wings I am not sure how well I’ll be able to do that.

My 10-year-old says that she shouldn’t be spending too much time on her studies because anyway she is going to be a fashion designer, or an actress, or a dancer. (The logic-they are fun, you get famous and you don’t need to study).

I cannot find the words to cheer her on-so I resort to my Loverna-like manipulations. Introduce her to more interesting ways to study, tweak her selection of books at the library, and try to get her to explore more options by enrolling her in a Robotics class.

This, she enjoyed. It was not like regular school. They got to watch videos, work hands on with building and programming robots, and as a final workshop, even design and build a robot of their own choice.

They called the parents to see the final presentations and it was really impressive. There was robot for picking up debris. One racing car robot which had sensors to stop it from crashing. There was one which had a pencil attached to follow simple writing instructions (has the potential to be developed into a homework tool).

And here is Elena’s robot.

She is a ballerina, designed to take perfect pirouettes.

Well, technology is also fun, but she can get distracted only to this extent.  

Moms have all the fun

There are two sides to every story. As I kept thinking I had the toughest job in the world, this was my daughter’s statement.

And as usual she had a long list of reasons…

You keep getting my hair cut short and grow yours because you wanted to be the prettiest in the house.

We have to wear the same uniform everyday and you can wear all pretty clothes to office. You can use nail polish and even lipstick in office! And your office doesn’t give any homework. (She really loved my office)

We have to study in school and also do homework. We even have exams. And your work means using the laptop and going online. (How can that be work?)

You stop going to office but we have to go to school every day. (That hurts her most-just the thought of mom waving her off to school and being free to watch TV).

What brought matters to the head was me feeling too sick to eat Roti-Chicken, or to cook for myself. I made some maggi and took it to bed.

You are eating Maggi! And when I was sick I had to eat khicdi and soup!!!

Yeah kid. When I am down, feeling sorry for myself, and missing my mom, you do make me count my blessings.

Running out of Mommy skills

This is a question to all moms or rather all parents:

Do you get mad at your kids? Really angry, annoyed, pissed off enough to say Ok-Do it your way!

Or am I one of the few who cannot keep the ‘Mom hat’  on at all times and say no matter what you do or say child (or how obnoxiously you say it), I forgive you because I cannot remain angry with you?

As my daughters live up to their pre-teen (is that supposed to start at 7!!!)  identities with gusto,  we are having more frequent and serious showdowns each day. I get seriously upset when I have to juggle schedules, work crazy hours to meet my deadlines, miss out on things I wanted to do, just to ensure that they do not miss out on anything, be it be extra classes, doctors appointments, trips to the library or even a birthday party, and all they do at the end of the day is crib!

Sometimes I really question my maternal instincts. I do not have that unlimited patience and wisdom motherhood was supposed to come with.

We had another of these showdowns today as the younger went on arguing it was ok to go swimming with her cold. After the usual round of reasoning, explaining, cajoling, and debating, we fell back to our same old conclusions: THAT’S NOT FAIR and NO MORE DISCUSSIONS! (Why on earth did we have to waste an hour for reaching it when she had an exam the next day and I, as usual, had a deadline to meet??? )

Next time I’ll let her do it her way and bear the consequences…maybe she’ll learn that way. But not this time.

It’s been hours since then.

My baby could not sleep as she was racked by terrible coughing fits. I tried everything to help her, but she was just clinging to me and coughing away. After a trip to the doctor, a change in medicine, and vomiting out her dinner, she’s finally sleeping peacefully (touchwood!)

I am still awake. Watching over

Tomorrow she’ll be better. Fighting with me again, and yes, calling me the “worst mother” amongst all the friends’ mothers. And I’ll be fighting back instead of allowing her in the pool. Because no matter how angry I get, I am a mother.,,

Words that live on

Remember the days we prepared for exams and dreamt of the holidays to follow? I always had a long list of things to do in the vacations-that I would keep updating as I would make notes for the exam next day. And then the vacations would be over before I got to point no. 2 or 3 on the list.The same things happened to my blog. The last few months I kept pushing off things because I would be free in a few weeks. And then,   things just got busier and crazier till I forgot what I wanted to write about. Some of the things didn’t matter anymore…

Just one incident that still finds me shaken was reading about IHM’s daughter. Something no mother should have to go through, something that is so brutal, so final…

I remember holding my grandfather’s hand for hours as he turned to a cold block of wood. And I felt furious at the hordes of relatives who descended and suddenly started calling him “the body”. He was still my grandfather. I was praying so hard. He would of course draw in a breath again…

But he did not. 

There was no hope.

How does a mother deal with such a moment?

I salute you IHM. Your courage is amazing.

And so are your daughter’s words, which are a beacon to all mothers like me..

Why such a late tribute? Because I cannot go on to my blog without thinking of you. Isn’t it strange, when we don’t even know each other, except just through our words?